What To Do If You Are Being Bullied – Dealing With Bullies
Kris Krohn here today on limitless TV and we’re talking about bullying and I’ve got resident expert Marianne DeNovellis. We’ve seen her face before super empowering impactful mentor here to give us some nuggets and some tidbits of what do you do if you’re the bully, if you’re being bullied, and what we can do to put an end to it. R-E-S-P-E-C-T! listen we’re talking about respect and today we’re talking about bullies because often with bullies there’s a deep lack of respect and Marianne, I’m so excited to have you here today I know this is a passion for you. I know you’ve been able to help a lot of individuals on this particular topic. First of all 101 what is bullying? and is it like happening in our day and age? Oh my gosh bullying is one of the biggest, I’ll call it an epidemic even though it’s been going on for a long time. It happens so often and it starts super young. It happens that people associate bullying with public schooling all the time. So and it doesn’t only happen at school, it happens in the workplace, it happens in social groups, it happens and religious groups, everywhere. So bullying it’s everywhere all the time. And what are the most common examples of like what really is it? Like what does it mean? Bullying is, it’s basically when you know the phrase when you judge a book by its cover? Bullying can happen like that. It happens when you know, let’s say you’re the new kid in the school and maybe you’re from a different culture or maybe you look different or maybe you you act different than someone else. A bully can find that, pick it out, and try to do harm with it. So it’s almost like they’re labeling you and then they’re they’re putting expectations on you maybe making you lower than, or less than, second-class citizen. Yeah the bully always wants to be a short above you. Wow um you got you got a family, you’ve got kids. Has bullying started happening in your own family dynamic or in school? You know it’s something that I’ve noticed with my kids. They’ll come home and they’ll say mom this kid said this to me today or mama I was playing with my friends down the street and they called me this and you know it’s it’s really interesting because you know I have that Mama Bear instinct and my first instinct way back when was okay let me see him let me get em’! You know and then that’s actually what we’re talking about today because then I turned into the bully when that happens you know? So yeah it happens all the time especially with kids. What about adults? Oh my gosh it doesn’t stop. It doesn’t stop. Once a bully is is a bully unless anything changes, unless a breakthrough happens, unless something changes, they will likely grow up to be a bully. I remember being in high school and I thought, oh my gosh people will just grow out of this. No I reconnected with one of my high school comrades who I haven’t talked to be polite years and their attitude has totally the same if this wasn’t something they grew out of those it was a way of life for them so it totally happens as an adult and even as you know for the rest of your life as long as it changed and though as long as nothing changes. Wow you know one of the very impactful moments in my life is you now were co-facilitating an event at limitless the three-day breakthrough event and we were doing a brand new process we had never done before and we had people label themselves and step into these boxes. And as people were defining themselves as the country folk or is the city folk or is the religious and pious or the athletic or all the different kind of things that you can imagine people label themselves as. We would then ask questions and have the group from all of these different boxes step out of their label. And at one point we asked the question, if you’ve ever been bullied? and what was fascinating was almost everyone in the room came and joined us up front to indicate that they had been and when we thanked them and had them sit down the following up question was, have you ever been the bully? And almost all the same people came back almost as if those of us that had been hurt by bullies, we do bully. We do find not not across the board but I was just mesmerized by the simple fact that we perpetrate in the way that we felt perpetrated against. Yeah that was so I’ll never forget watching those faces as they came up and stood in the middle of the deep humility and respect that I had for that group of people that said, yeah that was me. Yeah so how do you stop bullying? It’s happening to you, you’re feeling bullied what does that look like? So I can imagine there’s probably some unhealthy ways of dealing with it. My dad growing up said, punch him in the face. It’s like okay cool I become the bully. What would you recommend for solving that without becoming the bully? Okay so here’s what I would recommend and this is something that I want you to write down. This is my gold nugget for you today. Only hurt people, hurt people. Only hurt people, hurt people. So how do we stop hurting? That’s what breaks the cycle of bullying. That’s what makes the bully stop bullying is when they can be healed from the hurt and like you said when we saw on that how all the people that had been bullied and all the people that were bullies, for the most part the same group of people. So the question is how do we stop hurting? And if you are feeling bullied how do we help the hurt end? And the answer once again its breakthrough. So tell me a little bit about that. Let’s actually do a group breakthrough here with everybody. What is breakthrough? Breakthrough is deciding what’s working for you versus what’s not working for you. In our lives, we’re given all of these choices. We’re given all these opportunities to feel like we’re the victim, to feel like we’re picked on. And you know what? It comes with a ton of evidence to back it up. There’s reasons why we take these choices on and sometimes they make a lot of sense but over time we’ll realize that they’re not really serving us. So breakthrough says, you know what? I made this choice at one time. Maybe it served me maybe it didn’t but it’s definitely not serving me now how can we shift it and choose something better so let’s take everyone through a breakthrough sounds good so what is the number one limiting belief that comes up to you especially in this field of bullying maybe you are the bully and you don’t know how to stop maybe you’ve been bullied so much and you don’t know how to make that stop what is the number one thought that comes to your mind when it comes around bullies. You know what came up for me was I’m scared of being terrorized. I remember being in grade school and there was this this kid he must have come from maybe a rough family he brought a knife to school and I was really kind of bland yogurt at that time in my life I was always kind of a big kid so I really didn’t have a lot of experience with bullies I’d have some people poke fun or make fun of me just like people do in elementary school but on the bus, he put a knife to my throat and held me over the back seat so they I couldn’t move and I felt so scared in that moment because I was being bullied in and my life was threatened actuall. I don’t know if you would have really taken any action but he certainly exerted his power and his eminence and ability and then he let go of me and I went home and I told my mom and nothing really came of it. You know but that’s the limiting belief that came up for me and maybe something came up for you with what is the limiting belief you have around bullying? That’s mine. I’m scared of being terrorized. Yeah and yours came with the memory. Yeah and a lot of these questions will come with memory there’s a reason that evidence we talked about, there’s a reason that that got walked in and the question is there’s a decision you made about yourself at that point and something you decided that’s been showing up repeatedly and sabotaging you since then what was the decision? I think I hide behind my size and strength in hopes that I won’t be bullied and that’s less authentic that I’m really capable Yeah so there an element of hiding? and a lot of people that experience bullies in their lives they feel compelled to hide as a self-protection that they put walls up they hide behind their strength that they’re an intellect or their body or or whatever it is to protect themselves and really it’s a counterfeit. Now the question is what’s the cost of hiding? You know the cost for me is um I think it’s in authenticity. I’ll just have moments where I want to puff up my chest and maybe show off some of my muscles that I’ve written at the gym and and just trying to put on a strong show that says I’m strong don’t mess with me. And what will be the cost if that continues! Um disconnecting from people and keeping people from really seeing me for who I really am. And is it possible that that could potentially invite more bullies even though it’s not a knife to the throat it’s someone that shows it could invite that but it also it could be seen as a way of bullying others because others might feel intimidated. Yeah and all I’m trying to do is feel safe. And so I’ve perpetuated that bullying. So that victim as if you will, then becomes the bully inadvertently. Now is that serving you? No. And I’m just gonna ask you, is it serving you? is the decision you’ve made in whatever moment serving you? And most commonly the answer is no. And what would serve you better? It’s safe to be me I honor people’s agency and I take care of people. I can trust me even though I don’t have any control over anyone else. I can trust me to take a stand and take care of other individuals. Wow isn’t that the exact opposite? it’s emotional actually feel immensely I love breakthrough. Im going to flip my band again. What an incredible feeling to have. Imagine if that young man that was behind you on the bus have had the feeling, I take care of people. Imagine if you’re able to give that to him and be that gift to him and in a way you kind of are when you take upon yourself. I don’t have to hide, I don’t have to be an authentic, I choose to take care of me and I choose to take care of others as well. I think one thing that is important is that my mom didn’t really take a lot of action she went to the store and got me a big bag of M&Ms and said give him this and see if it helps. Which I don’t want to criticize her approach because it led to actually a sweet tender moment in my life. You know but I think if something like that happened my child that I would probably want to take some serious action and I think it is important that you know there’s bullying that hurts feelings and then there’s bullying that hurts bodies. And if you’re ever feeling abused by bullying I think it’s important to to be able to speak up and go to an adult or or go to peers or people that you can trust to show up and help you take appropriate action. Yes some trusted support you know some trusted support they can really show up for you yeah. So let me ask you this what if someone’s watching this and they themselves are thinking, I’m the bully. What would you say to them? You know I don’t know I’m gonna suggest the same thing do your breakthrough work if you have enough cognitive maturity to know that yeah I have shown up as a bully, I’m gonna ask you to ask yourself why? What is it inside of you that gets to be healed so that the hurt doesn’t pass on to others. What is the breakthrough that you need to have? What is the new decision that you get to make and maybe it’s like Kris where I trust me and I protect others. What is the breakthrough that you need? The new decision that you need to make to step forward and not be the bully. But to be the Advocate to be the trust and support yourself. You know that’s the interesting thing about transformation is that transformation is always a decision away it’s just making a new decision that will serve you better and I want to thank you today that was good for me. I’m glad that we had this topic and I’m glad that I got to kind of clear some that energy and forgive that young man and give myself an opportunity to recognize a higher truth which is that it’s safe to be me, authentic, and that I take care of people. I honor myself and others with the choices I make. Maybe one final bonus I want to throw a little side walk around okay? How do you subdue a bully? Wow and this is a really good question and probably the most relevant and given our discussion here because this is real life. We’re talking about how do we subdue a bully in a real life scenario. How do we in the moments to do to get rid of the bully and it’s not get rid of the person is to get rid of the bully inside of them and that’s the real question that we’re trying to ask here. I’ll always remember back when I watched Captain America for the first time seeing that boy in the alley he’s getting beat up he’s a scrawny little kid the big guys are coming at him and the lesson I take from is this, the best way to get rid of an enemy or a bully in this case is to be a friend. The best way to dispel anger is to show love and the way I do that is through what you’ve probably heard of ho’oponopono. It’s as Hawaiian phrase that says, you know what I don’t even care what’s between us. I don’t care what the rift is. I don’t care what’s causing it. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Four powerhouse phrases that shifts energy dramatically. One more time, what are the four phrases. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Yeah it’s this philosophy that says if there’s a problem in my world I must have helped contribute to creating it because it is my world and so it’s strange to think someone’s bullying me but I’m saying sorry and there’s actually just something really humbling and empowering about the idea of you know if you perceive in any way shape or form that I’ve wronged you I’m sorry. Please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Wow what a powerful energy shift what beautiful advice. Marianne thank you so much for for being here today and sharing this really impactful knowledge with us. Thank you You know Marianne is one of our mentors that we have at our monthly three-day limitless breakthrough event and you are a game-changer. You’ve done that today. It was helpful and impactful for the breakthrough you led me through. For those that want to get to know you better and witness you in action in doing your life transforming work, where can they find you? you’re going to go to www.limitlessseminar.com be sure to register for our next event there. Come join us at the one of many events we have going on. Prepare to have your life totally upgraded. Awesome friends remember to subscribe as well and you can look forward to more impactful videos on Limitless TV.