How To Develop Emotional Intelligence
Kris Krohn here. Limitless TV and today I’m bringing in my good friend and guest mentor Dana Sorensen. She is the queen of emotional intelligence which is what we’re going to be talking about today let them have it. I’m so excited for today because what I have found is that our emotions create our thoughts which then critter actions which then create our outcomes and so if you can master your emotions you can master the outcomes in your life and be the master and conscious creator of your whole life. Guess what? that’s what’s coming to you right now Have you ever felt controlled by your emotions? or have you ever woken up on the wrong side of the bed? meaning you let your negative emotions control your whole day? One thought leads to another which leads to another and the whole day ends up negative. Or have you ever said something at the heat of your negative emotion to somebody that you later regretted? If so, pull out your pen and paper because I have some key things for you to step up to the next level of emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, manage, and express one’s emotions, so let’s get into it. Step one. Step one, understand to understand your emotions in the heat of the emotion. It’s really important to take a moment and to pause. To pause, don’t say anything, don’t do anything, just take a deep breath in and take a pause and ask yourself these important questions to gain clarity on why you’re feeling, what you’re feeling. So pause and ask yourself these questions, what is it that I’m feelin?g what is it that I’m experiencing in this moment? and the most important question, why? why am I experiencing these emotions? When you get clear on what it is you’re feeling, it’s actually scientifically proven that you’re able to let go of those feelings and emotions so much faster than if you were just to keep in the negative emotion not knowing what it is you’re experiencing but letting those emotions drive you and who you are and your whole experience from that moment forward. Understanding why. Why, my one of my favorite questions to understand the why is, what do I feel like this experience means about me? what is it that I’m experiencing? why am I feeling frustrated? why I’m feeling frustrated? because I’m feeling overwhelmed with all the things that I have to do. So getting clear on what it is but also, why and what does it mean about you. Well when I’m overwhelmed with all the things that I have to do, I have this feeling inside that I’m not enough. It triggers that emotion and so understanding that, I can actually say, “okay I’m not enough. That’s definitely a lie and I can let it go” I can let it go, which brings me to the next step. Step number two is, managing your emotions. This step might for some of you on this new journey of emotions and emotional intelligence might feel counterintuitive. But let me tell you, as you practice this, it will become a powerhouse tool for you. Managing your emotions is the ability to allow yourself to feel your emotions, to feel what you’re feeling without judging yourself. That’s really really important because when you judge the emotion that you’re feeling the negative emotion that you’re feeling, it anchors it in. It actually causes it to last longer. One of my mentors taught me this, that when you allow yourself to feel your negative emotions and not judge yourself by those emotions but just allow it to feel it and flow through you, the negative emotions only last about 90 seconds. Can you believe that? 90 seconds. And for some of us, we suppress and suppress and suppress our negative emotions because we’re so afraid of feeling them because they feel like they define us. So, allowing yourself to feel those emotions without being defined by the emotion is the power of emotional intelligence. Feeling it and letting it go. That’s the key. So allowing yourself to fill your emotion for however long you need to sometimes as longer than 90 seconds. I want to tell you, for those of you who are on this new journey of it being willing to express your emotions to feel the emotions, it might take longer than 90 seconds because you’ve repressed the emotions for so long. I experienced this on my journey when I first started my journey of emotional intelligence and actually allowing myself to feel my emotions. And so I started to give myself a timeframe. If it’s longer than 90 seconds that’s okay. When you get better it’ll get shorter and shorter. But set yourself up for a timeframe. Say I’m going to, I’m going to totally just check-in. How long do you need to really feel this negative emotion? And allow yourself that time. Usually for me it’s about 24 hours max is what I allow myself to fill. 24 hours max. But you get to set it for you. How long do you want to stay in that negative emotion? and set that timeframe and as soon as that time frames up, that’s your cue to move forward into that next level of figuring out a solution to why you’re feeling the way that you are and stepping into the positive. Step number three is effectively expressing your emotions. There’s two parts to step number three because rarely is it, is it ever a good idea to express your negativity on to somebody else in the heat of the negativity. I would say rarely if ever is that a great idea because you create more harm than good. You can never take back the words that you say. Those mean words that you say? you can’t take those back. What’s said is what’s said. And so that’s why this emotion and emotional intelligence piece of expressing yourself, step number three is so important. Part number one, effective expression. Effective expression, this comes after you figured out what it is you’re feeling and why and then you’ve allowed yourself to feel the emotion and this is a way to effectively release that emotion. Effectively Express that emotion. Now because emotional intelligence is not, not dumping on other people but finding other outlets there’s lots of creative ways to get your negativity out and it’s so important my friends. It’s so so important that you find an outlet for this negativity. Especially you people who are used to and held to the standard of being positive. The positive ones in the world, positive and uplifting we all have this negativity. It’s part of the human experience is these negative emotions. This is why it’s so important to allow yourself to get it out without judging yourself, So finding an effective way to get that out. Now I have a couple of suggestions. You can write and burn. You can write and burn about your experience. Meaning get a piece of paper out and write about the experience, all the negative emotions that you’re feeling. Maybe write about all the things that you would say to that person in all the mean things. Get it all out on a piece of paper and express effectively. Express all of that negative emotion and then take that paper when you’re ready don’t give it to anyone but burn it. Burn it and just let it go. That’s your signal to your self that you’re letting it go. You’re going to let go of that negativity. Another possibility is to get a piece of paper and pen out and just scribble. Just scribble away if you’re not, if you don’t feel like you’re an effective writer, just scribble. This is a great one for kids too. When your kids are feeling a lot of negativity, get some krenz and paper out and just allow them to express their negativity, So they’re not expressing it on each other. It’s really really powerful. Let’s see, oh another way is to run. Some people really find it super effective to go for a run and just get that negativity out. If you feel comfortable, express out loud the negativity that you’re feeling. One of my favorite ways is to go for a drive. Go for a drive in my car and I actually envision the person sitting next to me that I feel like I need to get negativity out. Sometimes that looks like my husband, sometimes it’s a friend, somebody that I’m frustrated with and I actually will say all the things that that are negative building up inside. I’ll say all those things as if they were sitting there and it allows me, it’s with the intention not to build on the negativity but to let it go. To effectively express. And I can tell you I’ve done this in my marriage. And every time I’ve done this in my marriage, I can go back and I can have the most effective conversation with my husband about something that’s been bothering me and our communication is way more healthy and way more productive than any other kind of communication when I build up that negativity inside of me. So part one is find a way to express your negative emotions. Not on anyone else, but in other ways. There’s lots of creative ways I’d love to see what you’ve done to express yourself in a, in a healthy negative way to get your stuff out. Part two. Part two, it’s sometimes, it’s important and sometimes it’s not only you will know. Part two is the ability to express yourself to the person. Express your emotions and how you feel to the person that you are having a problem with. Now there’s some really important keys to this part. There’s some really important things. Number one is to express what you observed, what you saw, and how you felt about it. It’s important to not place any judgments or blame on the other person but to just express what you observed and how you felt about it and then what you would like to see different next time. So it’s really important to get clear on that. What would you like to see different happen next time. Now here’s the key to this part. The key to this part is that, you are clear of any expectations that that person will change and here’s why, because the whole point of this exercise is to express, effectively express your emotions to use your voice and to talk and to share with the people you love in an effective way what you would like to see differently. Now you have a hope that things can change that’s fine but you don’t expect it, meaning if it doesn’t happen then you’re not going to freak out you just move forward and you keep keep this pattern going. Keep expressing yourself, keep sharing, keep getting those negative feelings and emotions out. And that my friends is the three main steps to emotional intelligence. Thank you so much for joining me today, joining us today and learning about emotional intelligence. Go rock your life. Be the conscious creator of your life today. I’ll tell you what, if you want to see more of Dana on limitless TV I want you to comment below because she is this incredible wealth of knowledge in fact Dana visits us every month on our three-day limitless stage and rocking that stage with amazing transformational information processes. If you want to get to know her better, then claim one of your discounted tickets that you have by virtue of being a subscriber and we’ll see you in one of our next three-day limitless steps. Come join us and have some fun.